Preserving the Family

Years ago, I attended my first National Family Conference.  I was a doctoral student at Utah State University, and several graduate students in my cohort, as well as some of our professors traveled to Milwaukee, Wisconsin for the Conference. Since my doctoral dissertation was on the topic of fatherhood, I was excited to hear about the latest fatherhood research from some of the most revered scholars in the Nation. 

However, once we arrived at the conference, it did not take long to discover that the family was under attack. I was a bit surprised at this National conference on the family, there were individuals, groups, and even coalitions at that were anti-family. I learned that those who made legal policies on the family; those who wrote textbooks on the family; and even those who taught family related courses at universities were not always pro-family.  After a day or two at the conference, I began to feel disheartened and even discouraged. I felt that if there was such a strong anti-family sentiment at this conference on the family, that the future of the family was in grave jeopardy.

For me, the highlight of the conference came a few days later. Since the conference extended over the weekend, I wondered what would happen on Sunday. Thankfully, some wonderful and faithful family scholars from Brigham Young University organized a sacrament meeting for the LDS students and faculty who were attending the conference.  About 60 of us crowded into a small hotel room to partake of the sacrament and bear our testimonies.  To hear my fellow colleagues and professors share their testimonies was enlightening and edifying. As they spoke, my hope in the family was restored. Many of my colleagues spoke about the gospel and the family. I felt my confidence restored as I knew the family was safe within the Church. 

Although I had not planned to speak, during the testimony meeting, I took a turn. Since this experience was many years ago, I do not remember everything I said. However, to this day, I do remember one part of my testimony vividly.  I quoted President Spencer W. Kimball, who said: “The time will come when only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us” (President Spencer W. Kimball, “Families Can Be Eternal,” Ensign, November 1980).  I shared my belief that only those who believe “deeply” and “actively” in their families would be able to “preserve” their families.  Today, I can look back on President Spencer W. Kimball’s words, and recognize them as pure prophecy.  The time that President Kimball spoke of has arrived—we live in that day.  If we want to preserve our families, we will have to take intentional measures. As parents and grandparents, we cannot sit idly by, hoping that our families will turn out for the best, while devoting minimum effort, being unplugged, or apathetic.

When Janie and I were trying to think of a name for our podcast, “preserving families” came to the forefront, largely because of the statement by President Spencer W. Kimball. In a world where marriage and family are under attack daily, we wanted to do something to help strengthen and preserve families. We also want to provide mothers, fathers, wives, husbands, and even grandparents with tools, resources, principles, and practices to help them strengthen and preserve their families. We want to be clear that we do not consider ourselves experts, or that we are perfect parents or grandparents. And while we are putting all of our cards on the table, we should also confess that we do not have a perfect marriage either. But, we love each other, we love our children and their spouses, and we love our grandchildren.  We care about the family—not just our family—but your family too. In fact, when it comes to the family, we are passionate and determined to help.

Now, back to the statement by President Kimball. He said that only those who believe “deeply” in the family would be able to preserve their families.  The term “deeply” implies far down, or intensely.  Synonyms for “intense” include passion, strong, and powerful.  President Kimball was encouraging us to believe in the family “intensely.” The other word President Kimball used in this statement was “actively.”  Actively suggests deliberate, energetic, or vigorous. Hence, purposeful, calculated, and intentional. To believe in the family “actively” must include intentionality! 

And then, there is the word, “preserve.” To preserve something is to protect it, to take care of it, to safeguard it—it’s the opposite of damage or neglect. As I think of damage, or neglect, I do not believe that most parents are purposely trying to ruin or destroy their children—although we know that some do. However, what may be more common is parents who are asleep at the wheel when it comes to raising their families.  Perhaps these parents are unplugged when it comes to their children. Maybe they turn a blind eye to their children’s misbehavior.  Perhaps they do not view their role as parents as significant.  Some parents may mistakenly believe that their children will turn out incredibly, without any effort or investment on their part. For instance, I am aware of some parents who were quite disengaged from their children. Each night after dinner, the mother and father would slip off to their bedroom to watch TV, completely disconnected from their children. In fact, they simply allowed their five sons have free reign of the house.  These adolescent young men would spend almost every evening playing video games until midnight each night, and practically all weekend long.  Meanwhile, their parents were still “holed-up” in their bedroom. Unfortunately, these parents missed a prime opportunity to teach and influence their children during “prime time.” They failed to teach their children the gospel, to say nothing of boundaries, self-control, and discipline.  These parents were essentially “Asleep at the Wheel,” while their children developed addictions that they are still fighting years later.

One of the most successful concepts parents and grandparents can engage with in helping to strengthen and fortify their families is “intentionality.” If something is intentional, it is done on purpose!  It is deliberate, intended, and planned. Family scholar, Dr. Bill Doherty wrote, “The forces pulling on families are just too strong in the modern world.  Ultimately, we must decide either to steer or to go where the river takes us” (William Doherty, The Intentional Family: How to Build Family Ties in Our Modern World [New York: Addison-Wesley, 1997], 10).

Dr. Doherty further explained, “Sometimes with my therapy clients, I use an analogy of the Mississippi River, which flows just a couple of miles from my office. I say that family life is like putting a canoe into that great body of water. If you enter the water at St. Paul and don’t do anything, you will head south towards New Orleans. If you want to go north, or even stay at St. Paul, you have to work hard and have a plan. In the same way, if you get married or have a child without working a plan for your family’s journey, you will likely head “south” toward less closeness, less meaning, and less joy over time. A family, like a canoe, must be steered or paddled, or it won’t take you where you want to go.  The natural drift of family life in contemporary America is towards slowly diminishing connection, meaning, and community…. Only an intentional family has a fighting chance to maintain and increase its sense of connection, meaning, and community over the years. An Intentional Family is one whose members create a working plan for maintaining and building family ties, and then implement the plan as best as they can. An intentional family rows and steers its boat rather than being moved only by the winds of the current” (William Doherty, The Intentional Family: How to Build Family Ties in Our Modern World [New York: Addison-Wesley, 1997], 8).

Too many parents are simply going to where the river takes them—they are heading down the river in a canoe with no paddles. To be a good parent takes energy, effort, sacrifice, and hard work.  Moreover, mothers and fathers must place the teaching and training of their family as their highest priority if they want to “preserve their families.” Parents and grandparents must be intentional—they must do things on purpose to strengthen their families.  No one can just “wing” parenthood or grandparenthood anymore. Today, if you want to be successful in these divine assignments, you must also have skills. If we are not intentional, the current today runs so strong against the family that if we do not paddle with everything we have, our families will be swept out into the Gulf of Mexico.

The purpose of this podcast is to help you preserve, protect, and strengthen your marriage and family. We want to provide you with the tools to help you do so—those tools include principles, practices, doctrines, and applications to help you strengthen and fortify your marriages and families. We want to provide light in a dark world—which comes from the gospel of Jesus Christ. We want to help parents lead their children to Jesus Christ

So, stay with us, and bear with us.  We’re new at this podcast business, but we’re going to give it our best shot!  We’ll have exciting and knowledgeable guests to help us steer our boats and navigate our way through these challenging times.

At the end of each episode, we will issue an invitation to act!  We’re going to follow the acronym of LDS: “Let’s Do Something.”  During our mortal existence, we are here to act and not be acted upon.  We believe that we cannot sit idly by, watching our families erode, or watching or children implode.  We’re going to engage in this battle—it’s worth everything we have!